The Shaming: Ten Reasons I Should Have My Metal Card Revoked

Just in time for the holidays, I give you a gift: humiliation.

As music fans, we all have guilty pleasures. But some transgressions are beyond the average youthful exuberance of a Fear of the Dark picture disc or a genuinely curious Fade to Bluegrass country Metallica tribute. I’m not talking about non-metal but still rocking bands like the Foo Fighters or They Might Be Giants, either. The following releases are in my record collection in physical form (not just a random Itunes download; hello LMFAO!). They are also, to varying degrees, shameful. Enjoy!

10. Lords of Acid – Lust. Porno Techno – what could go wrong? Hindsight renders this super-cringeworthy.

9.Coldplay – A Rush of Blood to the Head. I don’t remember when or why I bought this. Because I took drugs to forget.

8. Anthony Stewart Head – Music for Elevators. I’m a huge Buffy fan. I even have the soundtrack to the musical episode; which is quite good. Then, I got a little too meta and ordered this:

An ugly business. Testosterone shots were required.

7. Lee Aaron – Slick Chick . This the first of her jazz albums. You heard me. “Hey Slim – you got some old Lee Aaron stuff. Metal Queen – Yeahhhh! What’s this, then. Oh.”

6. Flyleaf –S/T. Ugh. Like a Muppet Babies version of Hole. With Jesus.

5. Kylie Minogue – Fever. In my defense – she’s hot and the song’s message is true. It won’t get out of your head. It’s also tremendously amusing next to Ministry on my shelf.

Here’s a remix, because I bought the DOUBLE DISC version and my shame is endless:

4. Sarah McLachlan – Every goddamn thing. I had a crush; it was a phase.

This isn't all of them. There were also posters and T-shirts. Note who the "neighbours" are.

This isn’t all of them. There were also posters and T-shirts. Note who the “neighbours” are.

Silver lining: thanks to this self-excoriation exercise, I found this:

Hey, does anyone else have an urge to donate to their local animal shelter?

3. And during that same period in my life (a period I now refer to as The Time I Misplaced My Balls For Awhile) I obtained this:

MoxyShame

Yup. Those are most certainly the autographs of Canadian acapella indie band Moxy Früvous. Talented folks, very entertaining, but badasses perhaps not.

2. L’ensemble Cercamon – Blau. So I used to work at a Renaissance Faire. So I got into some of the performances. Swords are metal. Jousting is metal. Ale and mead are metal. Why can’t this be metal?

I also have several Medieval Bæbes records and and an album where a harpist covers Sting. So go to hell.

1. I’m not even going to speak the name. I’m just going to leave this, and say that there was a time when there was way too much of this:

I'm on some sort of FBI list just for doing this.

I’m on some sort of FBI list just for doing this.

There’s my deal. I double dog dare you to join me. What do you have that’s bad? And I don’t mean early Manowar bad, I mean watched the Grease episode of Glee with your Mom bad. Hit the comments with your shameful confessions!

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5 Responses to “The Shaming: Ten Reasons I Should Have My Metal Card Revoked”

  1. One word: Aqua
    And Eiffel 65. Shame indeed. I’m sure there are more. But at least they are surrounded by epic neighbours. Arcturus for Aqua and I believe Eluvietie for E65.

  2. The Sarah McLachlan sandwiched between Manowar and Megadeth is priceless! I don’t know what I have that might compare to anything on your list… what about some Frankie Goes To Hollywood?

  3. Man, I own a bunch of Kylie Minogue CDs, and yes, they sit between Metallica and Ministry. She’s one of the hottest women on the planet, so I figure there’s not that much to be ashamed of.

  4. Dishonhorable Mentions that didn’t make this list: Scissor Sisters, Scooter, Mortal Kombat Soundtracks.

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