Archive for Total Knock-Outs

It Must Be Spring Again, Bring On the Purple Reign

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , on April 27, 2012 by Lightning Slim

London Bridge Holds Steady for Lunch Ladies, Falls for Thames Fatales

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , on July 20, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally published at

It’s always a party when the Forest City Derby Girls come to town, and this time they did so doubly, with the Lunch Ladies facing off against the TKOs and the Thames Fatales seeking to battle old friends the Venus Fly Tramps Saturday night.

The first bout saw the normally systematic TKOs fall into confusion despite a strong effort. The Lunch Ladies put up several multi-point jams in the early going and commanded the first half. A brief comeback in the second was mounted by jammer Booty Two Shoes and captains Pandemic Pearl and Fox Smoulder, but Tri-City discipline problems allowed the Lunch Ladies to confidently trade point-for-point with a comfortable lead, relying on the speed of their deep jammer pool (Boxkick Betty, Mighty Thor and Elle Boes and Grisly Blaire all put in time) to keep the differential intact. Final Score: 180-114 for FCDG. Desire for rematch according to everyone I spoke with at the bout: 1000000 percent.

Round two featured a Tramp squad hungry for victory and a Fatales line-up in single digits lacking familiar faces Killson, Piepshow and captain Anya Face, whose determined sideline appearance on crutches echoed the no-quit, no-complaint style that has made the Thames a favourite opponent everywhere. Determined though the FCDG A-squad were, the Tramps had been training and waiting for a long time to get back into the limelight and they steamrolled all opponents. Thames, time, and the uncharacteristically full penalty board  were all pushed aside  with concerted team play as the Venus Fly Tramps celebrated their first regulation* victory since October 2009. Tramps 176, Thames 89.

What next, you ask? Why, more fun coming up on Saturday as both home teams visit 2011 Beast Champions Rideau Valley in yet another double-header.  A city known for bureaucrats more than bruising is about to get shaken up by Tramps and Dishes on a rolling road trip. Go with them, I say! You have my endorsement to good-naturedly terrorize the good citizens of Kanata with your indomitable Tri-City pride!

Too far to Ottawa, you say? Then I demand your presence at both doubleheaders in August! Check our events calendar for details on games against both Buffalo and TORD at the wonderful Waterloo Rec Centre right here in the heart of the Tri-Cities.

See you in the Suicide Seats,

Lightning Slim 

*The ladies in green have done well at speedy tournaments like Beast of the East, but Lou El Bammo and Lilith NoFair had been dreaming of  a 60-minute salvo leading up to this weekend.

Catching Up: Summer Derby Love

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally published at

June’s not even half over and there’s already a heap of derby under our belts, and more to come! Let’s dive into the June 4th Double-Header:

Things began with a disciplined first half from the TKOs as they put their system to work against the Killer Queens of Royal City. Hampered by some injuries, the Queens had brought some borrowed players from RCRG’s other teams, including blocker Ginger Slaughters and seemingly tireless jammer Hot CrossGuns. This melding of inter-squad talent gave a tantalizing glimpse of the possibilities for Royal City’s all-star team in future contests, and also pressed the TKO jammer contingent to thread the needle in some dangerous situations. Expected point netting from Pandemic Pearl and Rain Blows Brite was well-complimented by some stealthy work by Das Booty.

Photo by Adam Gagnon

The second half of the contest was a night-and-day change from the first, as both teams abandoned systemic play and engaged in an often lawless scramble. Killer Queen Archbitch of Slamterbury grabbed some spotlight time as she put in serious work with star, stripe and bare-helmed. With the penalty pagoda perpetually populated, it was veteran Anaslaysia Killsemov holding down the inside line and paving the way to a TKO victory. Final score: 132-84.

The second game of the evening saw a visit by our neighbors to the south, as the Grade A Fancies of Green Mountain made the trek from Vermont to Oktoberland for WFTDA-sanctioned action. Almost in imitation of the earlier bout, the first half displayed home team Thunder’s better qualities and the second was a street fight. Standouts for Thunder included usual-suspect jammer core Motorhead Molly, Skate Pastor and Lippy Wrongstockings and some nice work from newer sharks Leigh-zzie Borden and Freudian Whip, with the latter sidelined by injury late in the bout. Ice, rest and positive thoughts, Whipper!

In the end, despite amazing desire and some superhuman resistance to steady Thunder hitting (Scarlet Menace and Vagichael Jackson, both diminutive,  took gigantic hits and continued to skate) Green Mountan was overcome by their short bench. Final score: 213-38. Long-distance travel can be deadly; something Thunder experienced themselves as their fatigued and smaller cross-border squad lost to Ohio 131-76. Remember, these ladies do it for the sheer joy of derby, and we’re a ways off from the charter-jet era! 

See you in the Suicide Seats,

Double Header Opens Up June Derby Extravaganza

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2011 by Lightning Slim

June 4th at the Wilmot Rec Complex TCRG hosts a multi-league, multi-national blast of roller derby that promises serious action for all derby fans. At 6pm the TKOs welcome the Killer Queens of the Royal City Roller Girls. After shutting RCRG out of their own Purple Reign tournament earlier in the season, the Knock-Outs faced a focused squad last weekend in Guelph but still pulled out a victory over Our Ladies of Pain. What will the next chapter be in the Tri-City/Royal City rivalry?

Game 2 features TCRG’s official touring team, the Tri-City Thunder. After a 2011 Mid-West Brewhaha tournament with a decisive win against Paper Valley and a spirited defense against the Detroit juggernaut, Thunder faces the Green Mountain Derby Dames of Vermont, a team you might recognize from the 2010 Beast of the East.  See Thunder on home turf before they go on the road! June also brings bouts in Ohio and Hudson Valley before the challenge of the East Coast Derby Extravaganza.

Derby local and derby global – what’s not to like? I expect serious noise and some creative sign action in the crowd as TCRG take on all comers from down the road and over the border!

-Lightning Slim

Five Reasons to Support the Tri-City/Royal City Rivalry

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , on May 18, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Orignally published at

As previously mentioned in this space, Thunder is now in full swing across the North Central Region playing in WFTDA sanctioned bouts and tournaments in a push to make their mark. But there’s plenty of derby to be had back home, much of it featuring the rivalry between the Total Knock Outs and the three teams of Royal City. These ladies are getting to know each other well this season, and here’s why you should get involved:

1. It’s close. No serious 401-style driving involved in the Highway 7 Series. You can stop by the after-party and still go home for SNL, if that’s your thing . That leads me to my next point:

2. Fan Invasion Potential. Visiting teams can bring a full-strength cheer squad. Packs the house, makes lots of noise – good for everyone!

3. Non-Sectarianism. Sure, the rivalries of any sport can be passionate and raw, but the community-based, DIY, family-positive nature of the modern roller derby phenomenon mean that you can attend these games looking forward to a good time without fearing for your kids’ ears or having to duck a flying pint glass.

4. Developing Relationships. As the two leagues play each other, familiarity will engender competition. They will push each other to greater levels of skill and teamwork, and we’ll be able to watch the games as they get closer and more exciting each time. Which reminds me…

5. Early Adoption.The TKO’s and RCRG are relatively new to the game, but their potential is limitless. Could you be seeing one or more women who might hold aloft the 2016 Hydra? Choose your favourites, exercise your lungs and help them get there, for the privilege of saying you saw them back in the day.

6. I’m almost always there. What, you come for the skaters and not me?

See you in the Suicide Seats,


Big Derby Weekend Ahead

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally published at

Hey all,

As previously discussed, the TCRG season kicks off on Saturday with the now-classic matchup of Dishes and Tramps. If that’s not enough derby action for you (is it ever?), the league’s Highway 7 sisters the Royal City Rollergirls are introducing their new home teams to Wellington County on Sunday.

“Purple Reign” will feature exhibition games from the Violet Uprising, Killer Queens and Our Ladies of Pain at the Centre Wellington Sportsplex in Fergus. Tri-City fans looking for a competitive angle will be pleased to note that our own Total Knockouts will be included, looking to play the role of spoilers.  The TKO’s drafted deeply over the winter, so there will be debuts all around.

Yours truly may also spend a moment on the mic – remember to bring your non-perishable food items to support the Centre Wellington Food Bank, and get your backsides to trackside!

Deets here:

TCRG Full Participants in Beast of the East IV

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally Published at

Polish off your Grade 10 French and begin PBR training now, as all three TCRG home teams have secured spots in Montreal Roller Derby’s Beast of the East tournament for 2011.

This will be the fourth incarnation of the spring tourney, which features teams from Eastern Canada and the occasional guest from the Northern US. Past years have seen the Vicious Dishes and Venus Fly Tramps push themselves to the limit and beyond, and also take some lumps from their formidable MTLRD hosts. 2011 promises some excellent derby as the state of the sport and its skill level continue to climb across Canada, with TCRG bringing along some swagger attached to their new WFTDA membership as well as numerical support in their newly-minted Total Knock-Outs squad.

Two solid days of derby, and the lure of Montreal in the springtime. What’s not to like? I know TCRG would like to see some familiar faces in the crowd, so check out the details below and get your backsides to trackside:

–Lightning Slim

Tri-City Promotes TKO’s to Full League Roster

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , on December 14, 2010 by Lightning Slim

  Originally published at

Be prepared to add some Black and Blue to your boutfit in 2011, as TCRG has promoted the Total Knock-Outs to full house team status. The skaters of the former rookie scrimmage squad will now be able to roll alongside the Vicious Dishes and Venus Fly Tramps, take on house teams from other local leagues, and qualify for possible membership in the Tri-City Thunder.

This news comes hot on the heels of TCRG’s entry into the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association’s North Central Division, where the Thunder hope to follow Montreal’s example and make a bit of noise in their WFTDA debut season. 2011 promises bigger and better things for roller derby supporters in the Tri-City area and worldwide!

Total Knock-Outs dismantle Royal City

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , on October 23, 2010 by Lightning Slim

One of the great joys for anyone who follows a sport is getting to know the personalities and skillsets of the players, which allows you to share in their victories and defeats. It’s the very essence of fandom. I had the pleasure of witnessing  some milestones Friday night in Guelph during the mixed scrimmage between the TKO’s of Tri-City and the Royal City Roller Girls, as it was the first taste of on-track action (and first test against an external opponent) for many of the skaters.

Our gracious hosts

The TKO’s went into the contest carrying some uncertainties which were quickly banished by teamwork and a reliance on training. An injury to Anaslaysia Killsemov placed the captaincy on Ann Kilbiter, who rose to the occasion higher than her size might suggest. Kilbiter logged solid minutes in all positions with a ferocity that kept herself and budding jam-star RainBlows Brite at a remarkable +29. Pandemic Pearl and Fox Smoulder also staked claims to triple-threat status. Sticky and tenacious blocking by Meldusa, Scream Filled Cupcake and Groins frustrated the speedy jammer squad of Royal City as the TKO’s cruised to a 73-15 lead at the half.

Royal City’s counter-attack in the second period was pursuit-jam based, and although not always successful at netting, Spunky Rooster, Cannonball Doll, Ivanna Slappa and Wildcat of Panar often fooled the TKO’s into fleeing their own scoring opportunities. Tammer the Hammer provided timely hitting and the Archbitch of Slammersbury played spoiler against Bonnie Bruiseher’s line, but the slippery wooden floor of the venue led to some handsy behaviour and The Guelph squad soon began a penalty box parade.

Deceptively Lethal!

Photo Courtesy Tri-City Roller Girls

Into this foothold skated Bloody Mess Jess. The TKO’s most experienced skater imposed her will physically, jamming with sure-footed confidence and bulldozing her way through the elegant whip-and-pass strategies of Royal City. She was able to share some of that confidence with her team-mates, as brand-newcomers Pane Goodall and Lonnie* performed ably in the final minutes, both looking very much at home on the track in what was only their third full-contact scrimmage. 

The final result was a 152-23 victory for Tri-City, followed by an after party at the Albion Hotel (my old digs!) which I have on good authority was dominated by Royal City, and provided the seed of many new derby friendships. The RCRG have only been together for five months, and they put up some serious fight. Guelph’s my hometown, so I’m looking forward to seeing how this league develops. At the same time, I’m very proud of the Total Knock-Outs, the now first-blooded and official fresh meat squad of Tri-City. Their next challenge: The Lunch Ladies of London on November 13.


*Grab a derby name, girl. Or not – with moxie like that I just know I’ll be talking about you again.

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