Archive for Venus Fly Tramps

Spurred to Action, Roller Derby Rides to Rescue

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2012 by Lightning Slim

There’s nothing exciting I can tell you that isn’t eclipsed by the majesty of  Adam Swinbourne’s poster for this weekend’s bout:


He’s a real talent. To think, all those fantastic rollergirls to draw and he almost scotches the whole thing by putting my mug on it! Deets for the bout here:

See your backsides at trackside! Also, forgive me if I look a little ragged on the day; there’s a little something I’m up to the night before.

Augustravaganza Ends in Victory and a Promise of Clashes to Come

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , on September 5, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Photo by Sean Murphy

Originally Published at

By now I hope you’ve read the gracious and thorough recap of last weekend’s double-header by Mr. Whistler, which touches on some of the highlights of two bouts that saw both the Dishes and Tramps come away with decisive victories. Of course the plot now thickens with each of these contests thanks to TORD‘s involvement with WFTDA: more than being isolated one-off bouts, the Tri-City/TORD rivalry now contains the delicious element of cross-linkage with sanctioned bouts between the two leagues.

The friends and rivals made on the track in bouts like last weekend’s will weave themselves into a story of fan anticipation for the time these skaters meet again on the larger stage. That, ladies and gentlemen, is water-cooler talk, it’s specuation about line-ups and strategies and it’s exactly what I want from my sports. Tell your friends who remain unconvinced about this fishnet-legged monster that it’s not only local, home-made, cheeky and powerful, it also contains all the traditional elements you bracket chasers, stat-hounds, followers of character players, rules-lawyers, talent scouts and lovers of true grit truly crave. Is it fun? Hell yes, but there are marbles to be played for and your Canadian rollergirls are in for keepsies.

What’s next for TCRG? September 24 the fun-loving but ever-dangerous ladies of Montreal Roller Derby dispatch the Contrabanditas to engage the Vicious Dishes in a rematch of their close Beast of the East tussle. The Ditas took the brief  tournament bout 27-21, but the Dishes no doubt have a full-hour attack plan in store. The opener of the double-header has upstage potential: the TKO’s face Toronto’s D-VAS. Both rookie squads have had successful seasons and this crossing of skates could produce some unrestrained action as the Tri-City and TORD of tomorrow tap in.

Stay tuned to this space for more details on upcoming events!

See you in the Suicide Seats,


Buffalo Winged by Tramps, Dishes Move In for the Kill

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , on August 18, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally published at

We all know that the Terminator has a chip inside his head which allows him to switch to Learning Mode, understand why people cry and allow Arnie to bust out his serious acting chops. Lesser known is the dial located on every Venus Fly Tramp, which is usually set for “Fun”. Last Saturday the dials were set to “SRS BZNZ” and the Tramps’ TCRG sisters, fans and an unsuspecting crew from Buffalo saw a very different kind of flower power.

The Queen City Roller Girls were in town for a double-header, and the Alley Kats spent the first period of their game bamboozling the Tramps. Evil-Lyn Cognito, Lady Gaia and Celery StalkHer and Team USA alternate Addy Rawl put the Kats into a 50-point lead by halftime, aided by thunderous blocking  from rookie standout KonichiWOW. TKO call-ups Groins and Tiny Dancer had done some serious blocking and jamming work respectively to stem the tide in the absence of regulars Ann Kilbiter and Freudian Whip, but it was clutch performer Konky who laid down the gauntlet with a multi-point powerjam in the final minute of the first half.

Cue the comeback. In the second period a  mighty, hitherto-unknown Green Machine played a stellar game of Derby Survivor: Outhit, Outskate, Outpass. Slowly but surely the Tramps turned their stamina to their advantage and claimed their third victory in a row. A nervous moment occurred when Konky was injured, but the ever-boisterous Leigh-zzie Borden stepped into the gap to finish out the bout. Final score: Tramps 144, Alley Kats 92.

The second bout of the evening featured a clash of blocking corps. Devil Dollies captain Lip Service is not afraid to do her own clearing, something Dishes jammer Guns ‘n Gams learned to her sorrow. The Dishes ran a familiar system of pack control for the bout, which did not preclude individual acts of heroism. Sofanda Beatin was steady on her wheels for the cause, and Suzy Slam celebrated her birthday with a career bout of precision hits. Another jammer injury marred the otherwise fun level of play – we wish Nova Cain a speedy recovery. A special hardcore note for Tuesday Hula of  QCRG, who pulled double duty and skated both bouts in an on-the-edge style that kept her at the forefront of the action and foremost in the minds of the penalty tracker. Final score: Dishes 250, Dollies 57.

If you did not see this cross-border clash, you are on notice! Consider this a subpoena – your presence is required at the Waterloo Memorial Recreation Complex on the 27th of August to see another double-header against Toronto Roller Derby. Same Roller-Time! Same Roller-Channel! More Roller-You! Or Else!

See you in the Suicide Seats,


London Bridge Holds Steady for Lunch Ladies, Falls for Thames Fatales

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , on July 20, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally published at

It’s always a party when the Forest City Derby Girls come to town, and this time they did so doubly, with the Lunch Ladies facing off against the TKOs and the Thames Fatales seeking to battle old friends the Venus Fly Tramps Saturday night.

The first bout saw the normally systematic TKOs fall into confusion despite a strong effort. The Lunch Ladies put up several multi-point jams in the early going and commanded the first half. A brief comeback in the second was mounted by jammer Booty Two Shoes and captains Pandemic Pearl and Fox Smoulder, but Tri-City discipline problems allowed the Lunch Ladies to confidently trade point-for-point with a comfortable lead, relying on the speed of their deep jammer pool (Boxkick Betty, Mighty Thor and Elle Boes and Grisly Blaire all put in time) to keep the differential intact. Final Score: 180-114 for FCDG. Desire for rematch according to everyone I spoke with at the bout: 1000000 percent.

Round two featured a Tramp squad hungry for victory and a Fatales line-up in single digits lacking familiar faces Killson, Piepshow and captain Anya Face, whose determined sideline appearance on crutches echoed the no-quit, no-complaint style that has made the Thames a favourite opponent everywhere. Determined though the FCDG A-squad were, the Tramps had been training and waiting for a long time to get back into the limelight and they steamrolled all opponents. Thames, time, and the uncharacteristically full penalty board  were all pushed aside  with concerted team play as the Venus Fly Tramps celebrated their first regulation* victory since October 2009. Tramps 176, Thames 89.

What next, you ask? Why, more fun coming up on Saturday as both home teams visit 2011 Beast Champions Rideau Valley in yet another double-header.  A city known for bureaucrats more than bruising is about to get shaken up by Tramps and Dishes on a rolling road trip. Go with them, I say! You have my endorsement to good-naturedly terrorize the good citizens of Kanata with your indomitable Tri-City pride!

Too far to Ottawa, you say? Then I demand your presence at both doubleheaders in August! Check our events calendar for details on games against both Buffalo and TORD at the wonderful Waterloo Rec Centre right here in the heart of the Tri-Cities.

See you in the Suicide Seats,

Lightning Slim 

*The ladies in green have done well at speedy tournaments like Beast of the East, but Lou El Bammo and Lilith NoFair had been dreaming of  a 60-minute salvo leading up to this weekend.

Big Derby Weekend Ahead

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally published at

Hey all,

As previously discussed, the TCRG season kicks off on Saturday with the now-classic matchup of Dishes and Tramps. If that’s not enough derby action for you (is it ever?), the league’s Highway 7 sisters the Royal City Rollergirls are introducing their new home teams to Wellington County on Sunday.

“Purple Reign” will feature exhibition games from the Violet Uprising, Killer Queens and Our Ladies of Pain at the Centre Wellington Sportsplex in Fergus. Tri-City fans looking for a competitive angle will be pleased to note that our own Total Knockouts will be included, looking to play the role of spoilers.  The TKO’s drafted deeply over the winter, so there will be debuts all around.

Yours truly may also spend a moment on the mic – remember to bring your non-perishable food items to support the Centre Wellington Food Bank, and get your backsides to trackside!

Deets here:

TCRG Full Participants in Beast of the East IV

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2011 by Lightning Slim

Originally Published at

Polish off your Grade 10 French and begin PBR training now, as all three TCRG home teams have secured spots in Montreal Roller Derby’s Beast of the East tournament for 2011.

This will be the fourth incarnation of the spring tourney, which features teams from Eastern Canada and the occasional guest from the Northern US. Past years have seen the Vicious Dishes and Venus Fly Tramps push themselves to the limit and beyond, and also take some lumps from their formidable MTLRD hosts. 2011 promises some excellent derby as the state of the sport and its skill level continue to climb across Canada, with TCRG bringing along some swagger attached to their new WFTDA membership as well as numerical support in their newly-minted Total Knock-Outs squad.

Two solid days of derby, and the lure of Montreal in the springtime. What’s not to like? I know TCRG would like to see some familiar faces in the crowd, so check out the details below and get your backsides to trackside:

–Lightning Slim

Sports Day in Canada – Derby Style!

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , on September 19, 2010 by Lightning Slim

  Mutiny on the Track was featured as part of a CBC video spot on Hammer City, and the girls of Tri-City can be spotted as the opponents in the game footage. It’s a well-balanced piece that doesn’t veer too sharply into the whole “librarian by day” shtick- check it out:


And that’s yours truly callng the play.

Mixed Results, Mixed Feelings as Club Season Ends

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , on September 16, 2010 by Lightning Slim

Orignally Published at

Mutiny wasn’t the only thing on the track as the seasons for the TCRG club teams came to an end last weekend, with blood (of the hot kind, but still on the inside) sweat and tears all making appearances as well.

For the record: The Venus Fly Tramps lost another heartbreaker to the Deathrow Dames of Hammer City 88-80. The Vicious Dishes avenged their comrades with an efficient handling of the Hamilton Harlots for a 137-53 win.*

Numbers, however, never tell the whole story, and although it would be naive to say that winning and losing don’t matter to athletes (of course they do!) they certainly aren’t the only or even the most compelling reason to follow or participate in sport. Although I can never aspire to the work ethic, dedication and passion of the thousands of amateur flat track roller derby players currently tearing up the track in a grassroots sporting revolution, as an announcer, volunteer and husband I do get a window into a world that cannot be defined by results.

We are forced to use the inadequacy of words to describe ephemeral situations which can never be repeated in order to make those situations easier to digest. Undefeated. Winless. Domination. Heartbreak. For some, these soundbites may describe the 2010 season in a nutshell, but anyone who looked a bit closer knows that the sheer effort on the inside was completely nuts.

I applaud the women of TCRG and everyone who ever put eight wheels to the track and found that something about themselves had changed for the better. I salute all the volunteers, sponsors and fans who help make it all happen.

And we’re not done with you yet! Thunder still has a game in Detroit against the Motor City Disassembly Line on the 26th, and on Oct. 16th they return to New Hamburg for their final game of the season against the CN Power of TORD. We would love to see all of you there for the Silver and Black Attack!

* I’ll have more about the games themselves soon. – Lightning Slim

Thunder Win Streak Halted by Sexpos

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2010 by Lightning Slim

 photo by Midnight Matinee

All good things must eventually end, and Montreal proved once again to be a stumbling block on the path of Thunder’s journey to derby domination with a 115-46 win over the TCRG squad.

The August 28 bout, A Fistful of Brawlers, saw Montreal’s second-tier travel team the Sexpos head west to make things wild. Given MTLRD’s meteoric rise up the WFTDA standings it’s safe to say that this “B Team” would be comfortable against almost anyone. Thunder’s ferocity and determination not to be subdued by their erstwhile mentors made things a very entertaining evening. My announcing duties were shared with Plastik Patrik, who made my life easier not only with his tremendous play-by-play skills but also by looking so good in an Evel Kinevel-style jumpsuit that I didn’t have to think about  putting mine on.

Also making my life easier: a fabulous, detailed examination of the proceedings over at Derby Spotlight. Thanks, Joe Mac!

Next up for TCRG – a double-header of oceanic proportions!

TCRG Takes the Split in Rainy-day Double Header

Posted in Roller Derby with tags , , , , , , , on July 19, 2010 by Lightning Slim

Check out the Derby Nerd’s game recaps here.  Thanks to Hammer City for great games and great hospitality!

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